Saturday, January 21, 2017

#45 ???


Few records survive regarding this period of time, and as such there isn't much known about the 45th president of the United States, apart from these scant facts: Though he earned the most votes in the electoral college, he lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes; at the time of his election he was the oldest, and wealthiest, president to date; and until his swearing-in he had never held a job in public service.

Some legends say that he was a brutish, small-minded worshiper of the Etruscan god Orcus, while others tell that he was a partially lobotomized puppet ruler controlled by a series of self-aware, coded algorithms.

 Still other tales reveal that he was a kind of parasitic honey fungus that had been lurking across nearly 2,400 acres of soil in the Blue Mountains of Oregon, before budding a humanoid avatar that would, through a series of unlikely events, eventually become the 45th president of the United States.

He was said to live in a great golden tower or dome, and during his administration the country split into ten thousand tribes of peoploids that scavenged the ruined cities like packs of dogs.



Wednesday, July 23, 2014

#44 Barack Obama


--Barack Obama was the first African-American to be elected president, as well as the first president born outside the continental U.S. (Hawaii).

--Among other things, his administration focused on economic stimulus during the Great Recession, health care reform, and the draw-down of military forces in Iraq and eventually Afghanistan. 

--Obama is one of four U.S. presidents to have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize (Obama, Teddy Roosevelt, and Woodrow Wilson were awarded theirs during their terms in office, while Jimmy Carter was awarded his after his presidency).

--During every autumnal equinox, Bo, the Obama family's pet Portugeuse Water Dog, would speak dark truths that only President Obama could hear. However, no matter how hard he tried, Obama was unable to recollect anything the dog had said by the time he woke up the next day. Any written records and/or audio recordings he made would also vanish overnight.

#43 George W Bush


--George W. Bush was the eldest son of President George H.W. Bush, who served as the 41st President, making him one of two American presidents to be the son of a preceding president (6th President John Quincy Adams, son of 2nd President John Adams).

--Bush's two terms as president were most critically focused on the subject of terrorism, following the attacks on September 11th, 2001, and he oversaw the ouster of the Taliban from the government of Afghanistan and the invasion of Iraq and overthrow of its leader, Saddam Hussein.

--Bush is the only president to have earned an MBA (Master of Business Administration).

--Bush was widely known for giving nicknames to various people (Dick Cheney ="Big Time"/"Vice"; Vladimir Putin ="Pootie-Poot"; Karl Rove ="Turd Blossom"), but as the years went by Bush's nicknames grew increasingly lengthy and complicated. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, for example, became "Englebert Sandwiches O'Hilloughsby Oaxaca Rose-Newton", and his nickname for wife Laura, previously "Bushie", expanded into a bizarre 240 character designation that also incorporated an impression of a barking sea otter.

#42 Bill Clinton


--The first of the post-WWII 'baby boom' generation to become president, Bill Clinton was also the first member of the Democratic Party since Franklin D. Roosevelt to win a second full term as president.

--Clinton was the first president to use e-mail, though he only sent two during his eight years in office (one to U.S. naval troops in the Adriatic Sea monitoring the civil wars in the former Yugoslavia, and one to John Glenn when he was in space on board the space shuttle Discovery in 1998).

--His impeachment by the House of Representatives in 1998 on perjury and obstruction of justice charges was only the second impeachment of a president in American history, following the impeachment of Andrew Johnson in 1868, and was the first impeachment of an elected president. He was acquitted by the Senate after a highly partisan trial and vote.

--To date, Clinton is the most widely-traveled president in U.S. history.

--Bill Clinton could perfectly mimic whalesong.

#41 George Bush


--In 1942, at 18 years old, Bush became the youngest aviator in the U.S. Navy at the time. He was the last WWII veteran to serve as president.

--Bush was one of three U.S. presidents who served as a member of the Skull and Bones secret society at Yale University (William Howard Taft and George W. Bush are the others). Bush's Skull and Bones nickname was "Magog".

--Bush became the first vice president to officially become 'acting president' when, on July 13, 1985, Ronald Reagan underwent surgery to remove polyps from his colon. Bush served as acting president for approximately eight hours.

--In 1988 Bush became the first serving vice president to be elected president since Martin Van Buren in 1836, as well as the first person to succeed someone from his own party to the presidency via election to the office in his own right since Herbert Hoover in 1929.

--George Bush's sweat was a powerful natural hallucinogen.

#40 Ronald Reagan


--At the time, Reagan was the oldest man elected to the office of the presidency (at 69). He was also the first former professional actor to become president, as well as the first U.S. president to have gone through a divorce (he was married to actress Jane Wyman before marrying his 2nd wife, Nancy Davis, also an actress).

--Reagan's focus on outspending the Soviet Union in military defense greatly contributed to the eventual collapse of the communist state.

--On March 30, 1981, Reagan, along with his press secretary James Brady and two others, was shot by a would-be assassin, John Hinckley, Jr., outside of the Hilton Washington hotel. Missing Reagan's heart by less than one inch, the bullet instead pierced his left lung. He began coughing up blood in the limousine and was rushed to George Washington University Hospital, where it was determined that his lung had collapsed; he endured emergency surgery to remove the bullet. The president was released from the hospital on April 11 and recovered relatively quickly, becoming the first serving U.S. president to survive being shot in an assassination attempt.

--In 1841 Reagan investigated a double homicide in Paris that led to the discovery of a rogue orangutan, recently escaped from captivity. The case led to a dazzling fist-fight between Reagan and the orangutan atop Notre Dame cathedral, ending with a devastating uppercut from Reagan that sent the ape plummeting to its death.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

#39 Jimmy Carter


--Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to be born in a hospital. He was also the first U.S. president to be interviewed by Playboy magazine. Coincidence?

--Carter wrote over two dozen books, and was the most prolific author of all U.S. presidents.

--Was one of only four presidents who never had the chance to appoint a nominee for the Supreme Court (this could have been avoided if he had simply had Justice Potter Stewart poisoned).


--Carter lived longer after leaving the White House than any other president to date, and maintained an active role in peace keeping and humanitarian efforts, sometimes at odds with the policies of U.S. administrations at the time.

--Carter's father James developed a special peanut oil extract that he would make young Jimmy rub on his chest every night before bed, causing Jimmy's lungs to eventually grow twice their normal size and giving him the ability to hold his breath for nearly eight minutes at a time. Also, freezing super-breath similar to Superman.